Parliament with the Three Little Pigs
Written by Emma Seymour, Natasha Bongers and Gillian Seymour
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. The first was Jack Layton. He lived in a little house made of straw and called it the New Doors Place, because he believed it would open new doors for piganity.The second was Stephan Dion, and he lived in a house made of wood. He called it the Liberal house, because he didn’t have a theme for the décor inside. The third pig was the coldest and most calculating of all- he built his house, the Conservative house, out of brick, and called it the Conservative house because he used no mortar on the bricks to save money. After all, the HST tax made it expensive for the bricklayer to come out.
These three pigs shared the farm with billions of sheep. These sheep outnumbered the pigs 100-1, but they listened to the pigs because when one of them did something, they all did. These pigs lead the sheep, and the sheep chose their leader and then complained about it later.
There was a farmer who owned the farm, but he went out of business when his alcohol problem got out of hand and he turned everything over to these pigs. But life on the farm was not easy. See, every day, there was the threat of the big bad wolf, a wolf named “Communism,” or Com for short. The wolf threatened the Democracy Farm all the time, with his vile ways, making people happy, and heaven forbid, equal! Com would always take a couple of sheep with him, and occasionally eat them, or even worse, convert them.
So, the three little pigs fought to protect their people. They held many pointless conferences and meetings, spending billions on security and a damn useless fake lake. This held Com at bay, he disliked really ignorant western things, but he would always return.
Com always was looking for a way into Democracy farm, but could never find out how. He circled like a shark, but the three pigs always relied on the neighbouring farm, United Sows, to protect them as they hated Com even more.
All was well, until the farmer needed more booze. He went out to buy some, but his piggy bank was empty. A dark shadow fell over the farm- they entered a recession. The three little pigs immediately called a billion dollar meeting to remedy the problem.
“What do ve do? What do ve do?” wailed Stephan. “We are RUINED! RUINED I TELL VOU!”
“Don’t worry,” replied ever- placid Jack. “well get strong. A stronger strong. A stronger strongly strong force.”
“Use the force.” Came a deep ominous voice. “The force will always be with you. The dark side, that is.”
Both pigs jumped in terror. “Who’s that?!” they yelped.
“Oh come on man! Don’t tell me you haven’t seen star wars!” Darth moaned. “Look, I spend all this money getting a droid to take me out here just for that line, and what do you do?”
“Enough!” Came the cold, calculating voice. “I’m here now. We can begin.”
All three shuddered. It was Harper.
“What we need is an action plan. An economic action plan.”
“No-“ said Darth. “What you need is a dictatorship.”
All three jumped, eyes bulging. “Never!”
“Worked for me.” Darth shrugged. (Or, they thought it was a shrug. When you’re made of metal, it’s hard to tell.)
“What we need is another fake lake.” Harper piped up.
“No, we need to just let things happen.” Dion argued.
“Let’s all vote for me!” Jack grinned.
All of them fell silent.
“Uh…never mind.” Jack blushed.
“If we do nothing, Swine flu will return,” Harper challenged Dion. “And then what?”
“So?” said Vader. “Who cares? You should be worrying about that stupid fox or whatever that you always are running from.”
All looked at him. Then they realized- COM!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Com was a problem. Now that the pigs had made a conference, they had abandoned the sheep. There was only one incompetent guard- shark boy-watching the gate. Com grinned. And licked his lips. And grinned again. The camera focused on his face for 5 minutes. Then they finally switched scenes.
Com wandered up to shark boy, who was picking his nose with his rifle.
“Why hello young man. You’re quite good looking.” Com said politely.
Shark boy glanced at Com, yanking his rifle away from his nose. “Huh? Oh yeah. I mean, I’m pretty hot- Riiiiigggghhhhtttt?” He tore off his shirt unnecessarily.
Com instantly ripped out his liver, head and kidneys and threw it in the nearby fake lake. As they bobbed in the water, Com grinned at the camera and said, “Well, he’ll never be the head of a corporation. He just couldn’t keep his head about him. I think that hair cut was a little too short……ok I’m done.” Then after that horrendous violence, he wandered into Democracy.
The pigs saw Shark boy’s mangled body parts leering up at them and laughed until they realized it meant Com was in Democracy. Panicking, they ran into the field of sheep and directed them into their own houses, NDP, Liberal and Conservative. The sheep “baaadd.” In fright, and Com came running up behind them, teeth bared, conversion flyers in hand.
“Oh no!” Squeaked Jack.
“Oh no!” yelled Harper.
“Oh s&%*!” Yelled Dion, having just read the polls.
“Oh Yeah!” The cool aid guy shouted, busting through the fence of the farmers land.
All of them stared at him. Slowly, he retreated.
Getting back to panic mode, they all ran into the houses.
Com sighed, and walked up to the NDP house. “Uh, Little Jack, little Jack let me in!”
“NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN!”
All of a sudden, a guy ran up and shouted, “YOU DON’T HAVE A MUSTACHE ON YOUR CHIN! YOU PHONY! YOU GREAT BIG PHONY!”
Then he ran away, for no reason. (Probably a dictator, Com reckoned.) Then he returned to his work.
“Alright then, I shall have to blow your house down!”
He took a deep breath, but he huffed and puffed not to blow it down, but because Com had asthma, he could not blow it down. He then noticed a conveniently placed leaf blower, and used that instead.
The straw house blew away. And away, and away. Then it landed on a witch in Oz, but that’s another story. Meanwhile, Jack was left unprotected with his sheep. Com started handing out flyers.
“NOOOO!” shouted Jack. “This way! To Dion’s!” The sheep followed him.
Dion let them in only because they promised to vote for him. Jack sat in the back of the stick house with some sad company, a empty bottle of whiskey, and the most recent copy of COSMO.
Com trudged up to the house, tired from all this running. “Little pigs little pigs, let me in!”
“Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!” Yelled Dion.
“That’s getting old.” Com sighed, and then picked up his leaf blower. It huffed, and puffed, but the sticks stood up to the test.
“That’s because,” Rodger from this old house said helpfully, “It’s made of TREX. That stuff can stand ANYTHING. You’ll want this mulcha.”
Com took the handy mulcher, and mulched the house to smithereens. Of course, he mulched Dion’s clothes and Layton’s clothes and COSMO, but that was cool because Dion had a stash of Playboys.
“Umm….all of you with me! To Harper’s place!”
They all ran to Harpers, and the Com followed rather slowly.
There, was a brick house before him. He grinned, and laughing, said, “ I’m going to take you round the world pigs! Let me show you how to play ball!”
To his surprise, the door opened. A naked pig trotted out.
“Why hello, mister wolf. You’re so masculine,” The male pig cooed. “But I like ‘em that way. Come on in, man.”
Com hurriedly asked if there was a Harper around, and the male pig told him that Harper lived at 102, not 104. The pig sighed wistfully as Com left.
“All the hot ones like Harper.”
Com made it to Harpers real house, and shouted, “ALRIGHT PIG. IM COMING IN. MOVE OVER.”
Harper answered, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“SHUT UP.” Com snarled. “I’M COMING IN. IM GOING TO CONVERT ALL YOUR SHEEP. AND IM NOT EVEN A JOHAVAHS WITNESS!”
Harper considered this, and then said, “I have powerful friends.”
Com laughed. “Yeah right. Let me in.”
And Harper opened the door. Instantly, Com lunged for Harper, and ripped off his face. Underneath, was the metal skin of a robot. “ARGH!” Com yelled. “HE”S A FEMBOT!”
About that time, Darth Vader came out of the bathroom. He stared at Com. Com stared back.
“What is this? Bloody animal parade?” Darth groaned, and air choked Com. “Stupid Communists. Always shooting down my fighters.”
“You could buy one of mine.” Dion suggested.
“Yeah, but there’s an idiot tax on them here.” Darth complained. “HST or something.”
Harper blushed. Sort of. He’s all metal, it’s hard to tell.
“So, now that Com is dead, who gets to rule all the sheep?” Jack asked stupidly.
There was dead silence.
And a dead wolf, and Shark Boy, but they ignored them.
That was about the time the Farmer got a grant to sell corn for fuel. The dark cloud passed over the farm and settled over Cleveland, because no one likes Cleveland.
Darth took the sheep for his efforts and gave them to his wife. (Little Bo Peep). She made them peddle the star ship’s electricity system, (Going green and all that.) and then they smooched and (This has been blocked out for younger viewers.)+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The three little pigs went to the United Sows without their passports, and were soon deported from the country. Elizabeth May became PM, (HALLELULEHJA) or however you spell it.
And then Russia invaded. And blew everyone away with nukes and vodka. And England won the World Cup. HAHA Germany.
THE END.
